Here’s What 9 Iconic White Lotus Characters Would Write in a Birthday Card

Money, mayhem, and passive-aggressive notes in luxury envelopes.

If there’s one thing The White Lotus gives us (aside from a burning desire to book a holiday we absolutely cannot afford), it’s unforgettable characters. Rich, flawed, sun-drenched... and usually on the brink of an emotional meltdown.

Here at Coulson Macleod, we loved watching The White Lotus. The drama, the awkward brunches, the wildly chaotic character arcs. So, for a bit of fun, we asked:

What would the guests of The White Lotus write in a birthday card?

And what card from the Coulson Macleod collection might they send?

Spoiler alert: it’s mostly cryptic, overly dramatic, a little too honest and often wildly inappropriate.

💸 Tanya (Jennifer Coolidge)

“I can feel your aura through the envelope. I’m crying and I don’t know why. Are we trauma-bonded now? Anyway, happy birthday, sweetie. Don’t ever leave me. Seriously.”

🕵️ Greg (Her Suspicious Husband)

“Thinking of you on your birthday. But not too much. Just enough. Don’t ask questions.”

💁‍♀️ Portia (Tanya’s assistant)

“Ugh. I literally had no idea what to write in this card. Life is chaos, vibes are off, and I don’t even know who I am anymore. But like… happy birthday, I guess?”

👔 Cameron (The Flirty Finance Bro)

“I think you're really hot. What was the occasion again? Doesn’t matter. Let’s do shots and never talk about our feelings. P.S. I might be sleeping with your friend.”

💅 Daphne (Smiling Through It All)

“Just manifesting joy and ignoring reality! You’re amazing. I’m amazing. We’re all amazing! (Let me know if you want my trainer’s number. He really changed my life.)”

📚 Albie Di Grasso (The Over-Thinker in Love)

“You're not like other people. You're emotionally intelligent. You're kind. Also, did I mention I respect you? Like, really respect you. Maybe even love you. Too soon? Probably. Sorry.”

🌼 Victoria Ratliff (Parker Posey)

“Happy birthday to you! A gorgeous, divine, blessed soul. You’re doing just fine. Remember to take your supplements. Anyway, happy everything."

🌺 Rick Hatchett (Walton Goggins)

“Let's keep it real. I'm no good with messages. I bought this card to show you at least I tried. But you deserve better."

🌿 Chelsea (Aimee Lou Wood)

“Another year around the sun. Every journey with you is magic. Here's to discovering Thailand and parts of ourselves we never knew existed. Love, sparkle, serenity."

From spiritual guides to guarded cynics, each character in The White Lotus deserves a greeting card as layered and textured as their storyline. At Coulson Macleod, we craft wonderfully wordy designs. Witty and warm. With over 200 hobbies and interests covered, we have something for every character in your real life.

Shop cards for the Tanyas and Chelseas in your world. (Just... maybe avoid the Gregs.)